"My motto becomes life is a bitch and then you die."
In my 40’s I embraced the concept of anything is possible. I began to start unraveling my character patterns - seeing the continuum from you, me, we to oneness. I realized that there is no way to skip up the ladder to oneness without doing the work first. My motto in my 40’s was life is an adventure.
I truly thought I had worked on my issues around my mother’s death. I thought I had moved past it. I thought I was good with death and that death was my friend. I believed that I was good at helping people die; I could hold space for them and create a beautiful experience, which I have done. I felt it was a gift I had to give - helping people feel comfortable with dying.
But, I truly had barely skimmed the surface of understanding death. I had been holding on to my mother - not truly letting her go, I was NOT ok with letting her go again!
How was I doing this? Well, by keeping myself small, not good enough, not lovable enough. I was enforcing my core beliefs about who I was. I could even find myself merging with her in the clutter of my drawers and closet. Every time I walked into my closet or pulled open a drawer - wham! - my judge voice kicked in and I would feel less than.
It was a very subtle way of keeping my judge alive, which just happens to be my mother! My bad tone of voice I would use with my family was my mom’s voice. The popcorn I wanted to make and eat each evening was my mother's favorite. The way I kept myself avoiding true contact with people was similar to my mother's actions when she was alive.
But, if I stopped beating myself up with my inner judge voice (which is my mother), then I would need to figure out a way to let her die all over again. I would have to feel that raw, numbing pain again!
Ironically this is all imaginary in my thinking, stored in my cortex as my perception of my memories.
"My motto in my 40’s was life is an adventure."
Yesterday while lying down, I could feel the roots coming up from the earth into my feet and spreading through my entire system. I could feel that my mother was absorbed into this root system and part of consciousness (Avatar comes to mind now). I could feel the Earth mother (archetype) of consciousness and the flow of this life system through my system. It was feminine energy - not masculine. I could feel how this new energy flowed and the true strength of this space was just being. Simply lying on the table Being - not being pulled or needing to do anything for anyone - there was value in my just being.
I could feel myself at all ages, into my 90’s, feeling the same as I did when I was 2. I could feel how time was irrelevant and my previous anxiety about being a minute late to my appointment became funny. I could feel that there is no need to be held, that I was part of this Universal consciousness - of which my mom was too.
I could feel myself no longer needing anyone or anything. I was everyone and everything! What could I need or want? I had been keeping my mom alive through the gravesite, pictures, my tone of voice, my smallness, my nervous system. I was totally vibrating and relaxed at the same time.
My mother has been part of this collective consciousness since she died (and while she was alive). I was born knowing about the oneness, but had since merged with her wounded identity.
AHHHHHHHH………………..finally, I could FEEL the whole picture and KNOW that I was part of the Oneness. I had it so wrong and it seems so simple. My motto in this moment is life and death are the same, they are everything and nothing at the same time. I KNOW of Oneness and its spacious vast awareness of everything all at once.
We go through life ‘thinking’ many thoughts all day long until we close our eyes and fall into sleep. Have we ever wondered who is this voice? Is this voice really us? If it is not us than who is this voice that runs our life? Why is this voice so mean to us? Why can’t I ever get anything right? Why do I want to control the outside world? This voice is relentless and I don’t know about you, but for me I pretty much wish I could push DELETE so that voice would go away. Or better yet, I'd like to strangle that voice. I got so tired of the voice, I decided to do something about it. I started to put in the work to answer these questions.
When I first started to work on my inner judge voice, I journaled every day for a whole year. Today, I continue to journal about what that inner voice says to me and how that voice runs my life. In this self-investigation, I found this judge voice to be mind blowing, especially when I looked at it from a big picture context. One judgment is not so bad, but when you combine all of the judgements you have daily for a full year, it can add up to a lifetime of pain and suffering. Not only to myself but also to everyone that I interacted with.
WHAT IS IT?
One of the biggest obstacles to peace is the constant voice, or the ‘judge’ in our heads. This voice blocks our ability to create what we want in our lives. This experiential workshop helps us learn to free ourselves from the energetic and physiological effects of self-judgment.
– Learn how debilitating self-judgment is in our lives.
– Explore practical tools to free ourselves from this inner tyrant.
– Set clear boundaries when others judge us.
– Freeing ourselves from the judge within.
With these skills, we can restore a sense of playful joy and have freedom to create what we want in our lives.
Workshop facilitated by Wendy Wagoner, Awakening Coach Seeds of Light Healing Arts, LLC.
I'm IN! What's next?
Confirm your spot by sending a deposit of $50 to Seeds of Light Healing, 18087 Virginia Circle, Interlochen, MI 49643 (or PayPal) by November 20th, 2017.
If you have questions, contact Wendy at (906) 440-7675 or email@example.com.
It was a fascinating experience to be both a traveler and a tourist in Colombia. Before this trip, I had forgotten there was a difference between the two! Now, I remember why being a traveler is worth the effort.
A traveler has a flow, no real fast agenda. A traveler chooses to stay in places where they have the opportunity to connect with fellow travelers and actively engage in the local culture and these places are not always the safest or easiest to get to. On the other had, a tourist stays in safe, secure areas that are often easy to get to. Moreover, tourists have no real need to connect with others. In other words, they more or less stay separate from the local culture, they are watchers. Tourists make a daily game plan and go by it.
While we were mostly travelers on our recent trip to Colombia, we also embraced our inner tourist. Near the end of our trip, we chose to stay in the safer areas of town and did not make deep connections with the local people as we did during first part of our trip. Being a tourist felt more familiar. We could allow ourselves to turn off the constant awareness you maintain as an alert traveler. Moreover, we could communicate in our native language. Yet, as a tourist, we found it difficult to be “in the flow” and noticed that we were crankier. We also felt out of touch with other travelers. What does that mean exactly – not to have to rely on all our senses at the same time as a tourist? Why does it feel more familiar?
As a traveler, you have to use your left brain to communicate and maneuver, but it is your right brain that works to maintain your “flow’ of staying in the moment. Actively engaging both halves of the brain and being in your body is a good balance for your whole system. The trick is to find your “flow” and trust that the Universe will have your back – even when you crave those familiar comforts. The familiar comforts trigger our old habits of how we usually exist. In that familiar place, we live in our “stories” of who we “think” we are, which does not allow us to simply “be” in the present moment.
Wendy Wagoner has explored numerous avenues of disciplines over the last 30 years. She is a professional Awakening Coach, healer, and experienced workshop leader.
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