Back out on my raft today. Decided to change it up and lay on my stomach. I untied myself from my towrope to head out to the middle of the lake. I see one dragonfly zoom by but it didn't stop to say hi, like yesterday. There are lots of water boatman, which are cool water bugs that zoom around in schools on the surface of the water (note to self: don't open mouth).
The water is so calm today; the only ripples are from my hands paddling under the raft. I stop and just lie and float for a while. I begin to tune into being one with the water. My hands and feet are dangling submerged under the water and it feels like my limbs are nothing, just part of the water. When I tune inward or move my limbs it feels like something, maybe heaviness around them, but when I stop moving, they feel like nothing again.
My raft has shifted directions and now I feel a sudden panic in my solar plexus. My head is still lying on the pillow turned toward the left of the raft and my eyes are just a fraction above the surface of the water. Something in my vision has shifted and it feels like I am in an illusion. I am lying still, but the surface of the water from this north direction looks to be moving very fast, like when you're in in a car going down the road at 50 miles an hour. After the initial panic feeling, I sink into just being with this illusion. For the first time ever in my life, I feel that I can see that the world is round. Each direction is slightly different but has a curve to it and the sky looks like the water and I feel like I'm in a dome. I spread out into the whole lake and float into the nothingness feeling, yet feeling connected to the whole Universe and this weird new dimensional feeling. At some point my thoughts float to, "you have no sunscreen on!” and my hands start to paddle me back to shore..
I tie one end of a long towrope to my wrist and one end to the boat beached on the shore (no place to tie to the raft) and push off. My head, butt and upper arms are in some water, but the rest of me is pretty dry. It is 90+ degrees here today and the water temp is 76 degrees! Within a minute, a dragonfly lands on my leg, exactly where I have my dragonfly scar. I keep saying that I should get a dragonfly tattoo in that spot, is this a sign? I have loved dragonflies for a very long time and have always felt their ancient calling.
Anyway, another dragonfly dive-bombs that dragonfly and off they go. They seem to be very territorial. Another one (or perhaps the same one) lands on the same spot and this continues for a while. One lands on my right hand. I bring it up to my face and we stare at each other for a while. Their huge compound eyes are truly amazing! One lands on my right knee, then right big toe, right nipple, and finally left knee. Then two damselflies land on my left knee and start to mate. (Damselflies are different, smaller, and very delicate looking compared to dragonflies and when sitting still, their wings are together whereas dragonflies’ wings are straight out). They are a beautiful light blue color. The male’s tail attaches to the top head of the female. Her tail comes up under her and attaches to his belly area. It makes a perfect heart shape! They stay this way for 20 minutes while I watch, trying not to move. I was trying to be "one" with my surroundings.
Many other damselflies land on my legs and stomach while this is taking place. Feeling at peace with life in this moment.
PS - Has anyone read Dragonflies: Magnificent Creatures of Water, Air, and Land by Pieter van Dokkum? Thinking of adding it to my reading list...
I have worked very hard on my life up to this point (this made me giggle). I wonder what that really means. Anyway, I have many life experiences that have shaped me and allowed me to be on a journey for this elusive feeling of peace. Up to this point, it has been somewhat of a push/pull and ego driven endeavor to become a person that my children will feel in their hearts; that I was truly a good mom and person. My mom died when I was a teenager and at the funeral, I remember thinking, who are they talking about? The perceptions I have of my mother were not theirs and so it felt false to me. I felt ripped off - jealous of something they seemed to have with her that I did not feel I had. I now know that is not the truth, but at the time it was so strong. I vowed to explore and strive at being a better person for my kids and my future grandchildren. The dysfunctional patterns can stop, but once again I have worked very hard to change my character patterns. Have I arrived? Well, honestly I can say I am done striving, or trying to arrive anywhere. It did serve me having to take this journey from an ego driven agenda place. Now I am ready to just BE.
If I died tomorrow would my kids, listening to people sharing at my funeral, agree with their perceptions of me? I am not sure that would be the case, but I am ok with that because it is their journey to figure out that it is all a projection. I truly feel love for them, from every cell of my body and heart. I did the best I could with those moments in time, as did my mother. I know that my mother loved me from ever cell of her body and heart and did the best she could with the moments she had on this planet. So the letting go of what I “think” my mother did or did not do for me is a wonder gift I found within myself and I feel peace in the letting go.